Five things you should never say to someone with ADHD: 'We're not all wired the same way'

Telling someone with ADHD that 'it's not a real condition' isn't the worst thing you can say to them—it pales in comparison with 'can we have a quick chat?'

It's just one of the insights shared with the Daily Mail by Leanne Maskell, a former fashion model turned neurodiversity advocate who was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and autism when she was in her mid-20s.

Now aged 32, she has penned two best-selling books about living with the condition, AuDHD: Blooming Differently and ADHD Works at Work.

She told the Daily Mail: 'When I was diagnosed with ADHD, I burst out laughing and said, "no, I have a real problem."

'I was clearly just a lazy, attention seeking, stupid, selfish, emotionally unstable drama queen who spent every day trying to figure out how to take her own life with 100 per cent certainty.

'But apparently, there was a medical term for my lack of follow through. A label once reserved for little boys, who back in the day, would be whacked with a ruler for misbehaving in class.'

ADHD was previously only believed to affect boys—as with autism—meaning there's been a huge surge in women discovering they have it later in life, like Leanne, but men get diagnosed at all ages, too.

It is estimated 2.6 million people in the UK have the condition—which affects concentration, impulse control and activity levels—and the figure is only expected to rise as more people recognise the telltale signs of ADHD in their personalities and seek a formal diagnosis.

In March, figures revealed that over half a million people in England were waiting for ADHD assessments—up from 416,000 last year.

But frustratingly, waiting lists for a diagnostic assessment are long; of those waiting, 304,000 had been waiting at least a year—and 144,000 for two years or more.

Leanne says that one of the reasons why certain phrases are so jarring to people with ADHD is because they trigger Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).

RSD is defined as an intense and extreme emotional reaction to any sort of rejection, criticism, or failure.

It's thought to be rife within people who have ADHD as they have spent years of their lives being criticised for being 'too much' or 'too emotional' or simply 'not good enough'.

This means that they might see even the slightest change in tone or energy as a threat, and get anxious about being rejected or criticised.

Similarly, any sort of open-ended conversation can leave ADHD-ers ruminating on what they should, could or would have said in hindsight, or just fretting about what will happen next.

With that in mind, Leanne takes us through the five phrases which set neurodiverse people on edge...

1. 'Can we have a quick chat?'

What seems like a passing request to some comes across as a looming threat to others, particularly if they have ADHD.

'I can already hear the instant message alert, and feel the chill that runs through my body as I imagine every single possible scenario - all of which end with me living under a bridge,' said Leanne.

'For an ADHDer, this translates to 'can we chat about how terrible you are?'. Cue: spiralling, palpitations, and re-reading your entire message history for evidence of your crime.

'If you want to avoid triggering unnecessary (and highly unproductive) mini heart attacks, you could simply add onto the end of this message " - good thing!", or "- it's about X".'

She joked: 'It's so simple, and could probably save at least some of the 6.8 years of life expectancy ADHDers apparently lose - mostly from trying to decode messages like that.'

2. 'We should catch up!'

An invitation to get together and perhaps reminisce about the good old days, or just last week, can quickly slide from casual to scary.

Leanne explained: 'Do we want to catch up with this person whose name we can't remember but seems to know us from school? Irrelevant. Do we say yes immediately? Obviously.

'Now we're trapped in an endless mental ping-pong match: do we message? Wait for them? Move to another country and start over?

'Either way, we'll be haunted by this pending catch-up until one of us dies.'

3. 'How was your weekend?'

'Do you really want to know? Because if you ask, you might just get the truth,' warns Leanne.

She added a truthful response might be 'It was spent oscillating between eleven different screens, chasing the illusion of 'rest', and rewatching a YouTube video I've already seen six times because I forgot I'd seen it.'

But honesty is rarely the best policy when it comes to benign small talk, and Leanne finds it infuriating.

'Apparently the only socially acceptable answer to this question is "fine thanks, you?" - so why bother pretending you care in the first place?'

4. 'Can you just…?'

For Leanne, 'can you just...' has the potential to tip her over the edge, and it's likely to affect other ADHDers, too.

This is because a lifetime of infuriating friends and strangers mean the phrase has been bandied about quite a lot, often in scenarios where natural neurotypical tics and behaviour—like stimming, being distracted, or not understanding instructions—have caused friction.

She said: '"Just" implies simplicity, but have you ever tried "just" remembering to do something you've already forgotten? Or to "just" try time management? To "just" do the washing, or be organised? Have you "just" tried flying, mind-reading, or manifestation?

Read More

She added: 'Communication is not the same as comprehension—and we're not all wired the same way. However, if we ask for more information, it's often interpreted as if we're deliberately trying to trigger a reaction - not understand.'

5. 'Free…'

ADHD makes people crave novel experiences in order to get a hit of dopamine—the hormone released in the brain when it is stimulated.

This, Leanne warns, makes the notion of getting something for 'free' pretty irrestistable, but the executive dysfunction side of the condition makes it near impossible to wriggle out of, creating unnecessary mental (and sometimes physical) clutter.

She said: 'Free shipping? We all know that going to the post office has become the equivalent of entering a black hole where time slows down and your patience evaporates. That impulsive purchase is never being returned - or used more than once.

'Free trial? Only if you can do the ultimate challenge of 2025—use the phone—and complete several rounds of testing your non-existent patience, and remember your grandmother's aunt's maiden name.

'Free newsletter? Signing up seemed harmless, but now you're in a lifelong labyrinth you can't escape, no matter how many times you click "unsubscribe".'